Who Am I Now?

Reclaiming Identity After a Gray Divorce (after 50)

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "I don’t know who I am anymore"? This is one of those moments people don’t talk about after divorce. In this blog, I explore what it means to rediscover your sense of self post-divorce. I’ll offer a few ideas you can use on your journey of reclaiming your identity.

Estimated read time: 2 minutes

Who Am I?

One of the most difficult yet ultimately empowering parts of rebuilding after divorce (or loss) is reclaiming your identity. When a marriage ends, a partnership of two people ends too. This partnership may have existed for 20, 30, or even 40+ years. While a marriage can resemble a business full of decisions, finances, and logistics, the difference lies in the friendship and intimacy that merge two lives into one team. So, what happens when the team splits?

When the "we" you’ve known for decades becomes "me", the identity you’ve relied on—the partner, the spouse, the co-navigator—is gone.

What the Research Tells Us

According to researchers Dr. Susan L. Brown and Dr. I-Fen Lin, the divorce rate for couples aged 50 and older has risen significantly over recent decades. In the USA, around 1 in 3 divorces now involves someone 50+. Their work shows that later-life divorce has become a phenomenon tied to longer lifespans, shifting roles, and evolving expectations of what our later years hold.

This means if you’re solo after a long-term marriage, you’re not alone. The startling statistics don’t remove your pain nor validate your experience. You’re navigating more than separation; you’re redefining who you are.

A Personal Reflection

My own “aha” moment came after four days in bed, crying. On the fifth day, I looked in the mirror and thought: Where is Lisa? The person staring back wasn’t the Lisa I recognized from the past 30 years. She was someone unfamiliar.

Interestingly, six months after my separation, my sisters noted that my voice sounded like “me” again. I found this quite intriguing and questioned if part of my identity had been suppressed within my marriage.

Why Research Still Has Gaps

In my quest for research, I found very few studies that explicitly map “identity rebuild” after a gray divorce. Brown and Lin’s work doesn’t specifically relate to identity rebuild after ending long marriages, but it does map role loss, social change, and shifting into new living arrangements.

From my perspective, each of these moments profoundly affects who a person becomes.

Three Actions You Can Take Today

1. Don’t Rush the Rebuild

It takes time to land yourself back to be the person you were always meant to be. In the journey beyond divorce, you will navigate through different versions of yourself. Welcome each version. Growth happens quietly in the spaces between.

2. Try a Mindful Pause

Sit quietly each day for three to five minutes (longer if you can). Notice your breath. If a thought arises, acknowledge it gently and return to the rhythm of your breathing. This simple practice builds presence and calm.

3. Greet Yourself with Kindness

Each time you pass a mirror, smile and say hello—I love you. Be proud of the person looking back. She’s still here, and she’s finding her way.

Why It Matters

Because the next chapter belongs to you.

Embracing Your New Identity

As you embark on this journey of self-discovery, remember that it’s okay to feel lost. This feeling is part of the process. Embrace the uncertainty. It’s a sign that you are growing.

Consider exploring new hobbies or interests that excite you. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to paint, write, or travel. Now is the perfect time to dive into those passions. Allow yourself the freedom to explore without judgment.

Building a Supportive Community

Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family can make a world of difference. Share your feelings and experiences with those who understand. You may find comfort in connecting with others who have walked a similar path.

Consider joining groups or forums where you can share your journey. Engaging with a community can provide encouragement and inspiration. Remember, you are not alone in this.

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Author Bio

Lisa Keevill is the founder of Recreate & Rise, helping women 50+ rebuild and rise beyond gray divorce through coaching, community, and storytelling. Her work blends research, professional insight, and lived experience.

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