Finding Romance after Gray Divorce or Loss - Romancing Yourself #graydivorce

How Women Can Find Joy & Freedom After Divorce or Loss

“At first, the silence after divorce felt like absence. Then I realised that absence was space, space for me.”

Why finding joy in your own company matters and how you benefit when you recognize you have the freedom to choose to do whatever you want joy.

This blog explores how you can find joy and freedom after divorce or loss when you are no longer entangled in the framework of marriage where you possibly lived unconsciously sharing decisions, routines and even negotiating your dreams to satisfy someone else.

Estimated read time: 4 minutes  

What it Means to Romance Yourself

Romancing yourself isn’t indulgence: it’s self-respect - and it’s necessary as you move into this next chapter in your life. It’s making your own joy a priority ahead of other’s. It’s making your own decisions and creating new memories and dreams for yourself, and it is indulging in extravagance just for yourself.  

Yet is can also be as simple as:

·         Booking a weekend away and choosing where you want to stay

·         Wearing your favourite perfume and lingerie just because

·         Cooking your dinner by candlelight, or simply

·         Starting your morning with gratitude and dancing to your favourite playlist

These small acts signal your nervous system that life is safe again and freedom belongs to you.

A Young Girl in a Big City

Let me take you back to August 2023 when I took my first trip to Europe, landing in Paris overwhelmed me. I felt like a young girl in a big city – I was both terrified and excited.

I was in one of the most romantic cities in the world and I was by myself. Surrounded by couples embracing the romance of the city I decided I wanted romance – and therefore I created it and #RomancingMyself was born. I was going to romance myself around Paris and then Rome.

My last evening in Paris was spent at Moulin Rouge, my show finished just before 11pm. Getting into a taxi for the short ride home I noted to the driver that the lights of Paris were beautiful in the evening, but I had regretted that I missed seeing the Eiffel Tower’s flashing lights display.

 In a gorgeous French accent the young taxi driver said, “would Madame like me to take her to see the lights”? We have six minutes if I hurry, we might make it.

It was like something from a romantic movie. He raced down side streets, went up gutters, tooted the horn to hurry drivers along and raced through lights as they turned red. As he rounded the last corner, he said Madame there you are – we had made it.

The lights flashing only lasted 60 secs but it was one of the most romantic gestures of my entire life, when the lights stopped flashing I hugged the taxi driver and cried, this stranger had given me the greatest gift – the most exhilarating gift of knowing that this new found freedom of mine after a 30 year marriage had just provided me with a memory that will be etched in my mind forever.

There was no shame in #romancingmyself – just empowerment, joy and exhilaration.

“That moment wasn’t about Paris – it was about possibility. For the first time in years I felt alive in my own story”

The Science Behind Joy and Self Connection

Psychologists call this self-connection: the ability to be aware of who you are, accept that person fully, and align your life with her truth. A 2022 study by Klussman and colleagues found that people who live in alignment with themselves, who act in ways that feel authentic, experience greater happiness and emotional health than those who simply practice mindfulness or self-compassion.

To me it makes sense, when you stop performing and start living in integrity with your own desires, peace replaces pretense.

Barbara Fredrickson, a leading positive psychology researcher, explains that joy is more than just a feeling. Her 2001 Broaden-and-Build Theory shows that joy expands your thinking and builds new emotional resources, creativity, resilience and openness. In other words, joy isn’t a distraction from healing, it is the healing.

And in 2013, Sonja Lyubomirsky and Kristin Layous found that even small, intentional positive actions like trying something new, expressing gratitude, or simply enjoying a moment increase happiness. These “micro-acts of joy” retrain the brain to see possibility again.

“Their research confirms what many of us learn after loss, that joy doesn’t arrive all at once, it’s rebuilt through small acts of intention.”

So, I guess flying through the streets of Paris to see the Eiffel Tower lights flash wasn’t just symbolic to being in a romantic city it could be considered neurochemical as well.

What can you do to Romance Yourself?

1. If you are rebuilding after divorce or loss and feel that healing alone isn’t enough – if you are craving aliveness, joy, excitement, laughter and colour, that’s the rebirth

2. The next time you catch yourself wishing for someone to bring you flowers, remember you can buy them, go and choose your favourite flowers and place them in your favourite vase.

3. If something bigger is calling like a trip, go plan the trip and take it, you might find yourself crying and hugging a random taxi driver near the Eiffel Tower.

   
   

Why #RomancingMyself matters?

Because freedom isn’t found – it’s created one brave choice at a time.

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Author Bio

Lisa Keevill is the founder of Recreate & Rise, helping women 50+ rebuild and rise beyond Gray Divorce through coaching, community, and storytelling. Her work blends research, professional insight, and lived experience.

Further Reading• Klussman K. et al. (2022) “Self-connection and Well-Being…”• Fredrickson B. L. (2001) “The Role of Positive Emotions…”• Lyubomirsky S. & Layous K. (2013) “How Do Simple Positive Activities Increase Well-Being…”